Addiction can feel lonely, but it rarely affects only one person. When substance use harms trust, communication, and safety at home, codependent relationships often form. In these patterns, one partner takes on rescuing or controlling roles to manage the other partner’s drug or alcohol use. The result is a loop of stress, fear, and secrecy that keeps both people stuck.
“A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” ~ Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Those closest to the substance abuser suffer the most, especially spouses and partners. Instead of a healthy, interdependent relationship where each person can rely on the other for support, understanding, and help, their relationship becomes codependent.
What is codependency?
“Caretaking doesn’t help; it causes problems. When we take care of people and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore personal needs, wants, and feelings. We put ourselves aside. Sometimes, we get so busy taking care of people that we put our entire lives on hold… Caretakers look so responsible, but we aren’t. We don’t assume responsibility for our highest responsibility – ourselves.” ~ Melodie Beattie
Many people do not notice the shift until it becomes a pattern. A typical cycle looks like this:
- A person struggling with substance use begins to face consequences at work, school, or home. This might include arrests, financial troubles, health issues, or relationship conflicts.
- A codependent partner or family member steps in to shield them, often out of love and fear. This may include paying their bills, covering for them with a boss, bailing them out, or handling other responsibilities that do not belong to the codependent person.
- Because the addicted person is protected from the real consequences of their drinking or drug use, the use continues. These enabling behaviors unintentionally remove motivation to change.
- Stress grows. The codependent partner feels responsible for the other person’s addiction, then tries to control more details, from schedules to social plans. Meanwhile, they neglect their own personal, familial, social, or professional needs.
- Resentment and exhaustion follow. Both partners become isolated, and the relationship revolves around substance use and crisis management.
This loop can occur in marriages, with significant others, or among family members such as parents and adult children. It can also appear in co-dependency patterns among friends.
What are some of the signs of codependency?
“To love an addict is to run out of tears.” ~ Sandy Swensen, author of The Joey Song: A Mother’s Story of Her Son’s Addiction
People experience codependency in many ways. Common signs include:
- Difficulty setting boundaries, especially when your loved one is using or asking for money
- Making excuses to family members, employers, or schools to cover lapses related to alcohol or drug abuse
- A people-pleaser identity, tied to others’ opinions and approval
- Low self-esteem, poor self-worth, or mood swings tied to another person’s choices
- Enduring physical and emotional abuse from the other person
- An unhealthy reliance on being needed, or feeling you must go to great lengths to keep the peace
- Fears of conflict, abandonment, or failure if you say no
- Feeling like you are responsible for managing someone else’s recovery schedule and plan (therapy, AA meetings, drug testing appointments, etc.) so they can heal
- Neglecting personal needs, sleep, and self-care to keep up with the other person’s demands
- Trouble focusing on work, children, or other responsibilities because of constant crisis
If several items resonate, consider talking with a therapist or joining a support group. Recognizing codependency is a strong first step toward change.
The roots of codependent relationships
Although every situation is different in the particulars, underlying themes of codependency can include:
- A strong sense of responsibility or belief the other person can’t survive without your help
- The desperate feeling that something must be done, and no one else is doing anything
- The need to protect the image or reputation of the family/couple
- The belief that you can change the other person or at least control their behavior
- Self-esteem that is based on how much you do for others
- A sense of accomplishment when you successfully “rescue” the other person or shield them from consequences
If any of these feel familiar, they are worth exploring more with professional help.
Why codependency and addiction reinforce each other
Codependency and addiction often intensify together. When a partner or family tries to control use, the person with the disorder may pull away or hide their use. When consequences mount, the codependent person doubles down, hoping control will keep the household stable. Both people feel trapped.
- Emotional strain increases anxiety and depression for everyone involved.
- Financial support, excuses, and protection can sustain substance abuse.
- Family dynamics become crisis-focused, which disrupts routines, sleep, and well-being.
- Trust erodes, and both partners lose self-worth and self-esteem.
These patterns are common, and they are changeable with the right treatment and skills.
Attachment style, trauma, and the need to feel secure
Research suggests strong links between substance use disorder and insecure attachment styles. Typically, the ability to form healthy interpersonal bonds is established during infancy, between the child and attentive, loving parents. If a person does not receive adequate attention and nurturing as an infant, this can lead to an insecure attachment style as an adult. Insecure attachment can make it hard to feel safe in intimate relationships, hamper effective communication, and cause anxiety and depression. This, in turn, raises the risk for compulsive or destructive behaviors that numb distress, such as drug and alcohol use.
Meanwhile, many codependent people with early attachment issues learned to track and to respond to others’ moods to stay safe in childhood, and/or to take on caretaker roles. That hypervigilance or compulsive caretaking can carry into adult relationships, contributing to unhealthy patterns of enabling the person with an alcohol or drug addiction.
The enabling increases relationship problems, which leads to more anxiety, insecurities, and depression, and consequently, more substance use and enabling, and a continued downward spiral. Developing a healthy attachment style isn’t easy, and measures such as trauma therapy and behavioral therapy may be needed. However, understanding this background builds compassion and opens the door to personal growth and healing.
Health and safety impacts on families
Alcohol and drug addiction affect more than one person. When a household revolves around managing crises, children, partners, and other family members may also experience stress, sleep problems, and anxiety. Naming these impacts helps you plan for support and protection.
Breaking the cycle with boundaries and support
Change starts with self-awareness and small, steady actions. As a codependent person, you can begin by accepting the three C’s of codependency recovery: You did not cause the substance use, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. You can, however, protect your well-being and set boundaries that reduce chaos:
- Identify your own needs each day, then commit to one act of self-care.
- Set boundaries that match your values. Healthy boundaries might include not lying to employers, not giving the other person cash, or not rescuing them from legal consequences.
- Establish boundaries in writing if helpful, then share them in calm moments.
- Expect pushback. Remember that boundaries are for your protection, not to force a partner to change.
- Replace making excuses with honest, brief statements.
- Practice skills to resolve conflicts, like using “I” statements and taking time-outs when emotions run high. A therapist can help you learn and exercise conflict resolution skills.
- Find supportive people, either family, friends, a therapist, or your local support group, to help you stick to your boundaries and offer you ongoing support.
These steps support healthier relationships and provide space for treatment to work if your loved one chooses it.
Other practical steps for a codependent partner
Additional steps to take as your plan develops:
- Separate your schedule from your loved one’s substance use and recovery tasks.
- Decide exactly where you will and will not provide rides, housing, or money.
- Redirect crisis calls to appropriate services when needed, then return to your other responsibilities.
- Limit conversations when the other person is intoxicated, and revisit issues when both can think clearly.
- Avoid tracking or checking the other person’s behavior; focus on your plan to set boundaries and follow through.
- Create a safety plan if there is violence or threats. If you are in danger, call 911.
None of this means abandoning someone. It means choosing healthy boundaries that reduce harm and prevent codependency/addiction patterns from taking over your life. It is also the kindest thing you can do for the other person, who does not ultimately benefit from continued enabling.
Treatment options that support relationship healing
Effective addiction treatment addresses more than substance use. Care works best when it treats the whole person, including physical health, mental health, and family support. The National Institute on Drug Abuse advises that successful programs attend to medical, psychological, social, family, and legal needs.
At Women’s Recovery, we provide a comprehensive addiction treatment program that centers the unique needs of women in Colorado. Our clients benefit from individualized treatment plans that include individual and group therapy, mental health treatment, relapse prevention, and comprehensive case management.
If your loved one is not ready, you can still seek professional counseling and join support groups for families. These services teach coping skills, reduce fear, and improve well-being whether or not your loved one chooses care right away.
Moving toward stability and hope
Codependency thrives in secrecy and urgency. Healing grows in clarity, self-worth, and consistent limits. Whether you identify as a codependent partner, a codependent family member, or a friend, change is possible. With the right support, you can interrupt the loop between codependency and addiction. With education, boundaries, and supportive treatment, couples and families can move from crisis to stability.
If you or a loved one is struggling with substance use in Denver, Boulder, or the Front Range, get in touch with Women’s Recovery to discuss a plan that fits your life. As one of the top gender-specific rehab programs in Colorado, Women’s Recovery can help you regain your sobriety and restore healthy balance to your relationships. By using an evidence-based approach that focuses on the unique needs of women, we give you the tools and teach you the skills to support the life you deserve.
